Julie You Jest

The next time I say something about a cortisone shot making me all super-powered, I need for someone to drive to Arkansas and slap the shit out of me. Who’s gonna take point on that?

It’s pretty here and totally worth the drive.

For some inexplicable reason, I decided that it was time to redecorate Rachel’s room. Probably because I’m jacked up on steroids and insane. Rachel is working in Florida over the summer. She’s not even here to help!!

We moved into this house in 2004 and that’s the last time paint has touched the walls. The carpet is probably a thousand years old and nasty.

Here’s what it looked like before.

Rachel bedroom / storage facility.

Here’s what I want it to look like.

Totally doable and realistic, right? Houzz.com has all the cool ideas.

You know how those HGTV types are always saying that paint is a quick and inexpensive way to change up a room. LIARS! It’s not quick and it’s certainly not inexpensive. Holy crap, people!

I went to Sherwin Williams. They were all, “It’ll only take one coat.” and I’m all, “Seriously? The room is coral.” ”Oh yeah, one coat of this super awesome paint will cover anything.”

THAT IS INCORRECT!

I had to go back to Sherwin Williams for another gallon of their super awesome $60 paint that requires two coats even though that’s not what they said and I could have gotten paint for half the price any where else that would have been just as good as their million-dollar-two-coats-are-required paint. I also bought paint for the trim and again with the “this will do it in one coat and the primer is built right in.” Great!

THAT IS ALSO INCORRECT!

After I put on one coat on the trim, I had to go to Lowe’s to get primer. Everyone that ever gave me paint advice is an asshole. Oh, and brushes cost about as much as a kidney transplant. So far, I’m in for about 2 million dollars.

In progress…I hate painting.

The room looks way bigger with all of Rachel’s crap out of it. The basement living room is looking very small.

My sister is coming on Friday to help me go through all of this stuff. Have I mentioned that Rachel is an only child and I may have spoiled her just a tad? She has a lot of crap.

We’re putting in new flooring so I had to take everything out of the room. I slid the mattresses into the hallway next to the laundry room. Otis, our rott/lab mix with a giant bladder, peed on them.

He who has NEVER peed in the house decides to hike it up on our mattresses. Stop smiling dog! You’re in trouble!

Yes, you read that right. He PEED on the mattresses! What the ever-loving-fuck!? There’s another billion dollars. I can’t ask people to sleep on dog pee, right? I mean once your dog has sprayed urine all over your mattress, it’s time for a new one. I googled mattresses to see how much that’s gonna cost me…$1,000.

Let’s break this down -

Wall paint – $120

Ceiling paint (I kept hitting it with the roller so I had no choice) $40

Trim paint and primer – $80

New closet doors (I broke the old ones trying to get them out of the room. There may have been kicking involved) – $200

Mattresses – $1000

Total cost to paint Rachel’s room – $5 million dollars (I suck at math.)

In conclusion, after three days of painting (I still have to paint the closet doors and some trim pieces that I have to add after the carpet came out.) and spending $7 million, should you ever consider painting a room, I would advise you to reconsider and just build a new house.

ALSO, my body is pissed off. I can’t move. AND apparently, I’m allergic to this paint because everywhere it touched me, it took off a layer of skin and I got it everywhere.