Last week I visited my childhood friend, Samantha, in DC. She’s having a baby! We were driving to dinner, just catching up, when she tells this story:
Sam: I was watching The Doctors and this guy thought he had stubbed his toe because he had this black mark on it. Turns out, he had toenail cancer and by the time he had it checked out, it had metastasized to his brain and lungs and he died.
Me: Holy shit. I have a black mark on my toe that I thought nothing of and now you’re telling me I have toenail cancer. I’m emailing my doctor.
Sam: What? After all the health crap you’ve been through, toenail cancer will NOT be what takes you down.
Me: That’s EXACTLY what will take me down. I’m going to die of toenail cancer. Is it weird that I think that is kind of awesome? Suck it, Lupus! You got schooled by my toenail.
Sam: Yes, it’s weird. Stop talking.
Me: I’m googling toenail cancer to see if it looks like my toe. Oh, God. That is NOT what my toe looks like. I’d show you but you’re pregnant and viewing these might be harmful to the baby and you’re driving. I’m not going to die because you want to look at pictures and drive. Then no one will ever know about the toenail cancer and my tombstone will be all wrong.
So, I emailed my doctor and asked if he wanted to see it ASAP or just whenever my next appointment comes around. His response, “Sooner than later.” Ummm, what? I really thought he would just dismiss the crazy but no, he wants to see it. Now I’m starting to legitimately worry about toenail cancer.
After I got home from DC, I went to see my rheumatologist (different doctor – I see a lot of doctors). I showed him my toe and he said, “You should get that checked out.” Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. You’re a doctor. WTF?!
The next day, I went with my daughter to her appointment (the doctor I emailed) and he said it was nothing. He suspects that sometime in November I stubbed my toe.
Me: That was a close call.
Volker: No it wasn’t.
Me: I know you were worried.
Volker: Not for the reason you’re thinking.
So, what have we learned?
1. If you have some weird shit under your toenail – get it checked out.
2. Do not Google toenail cancer and click on images. You can’t un-see that. I know you’re probably doing it now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
3. Toenail cancer is serious, y’all. It’s actually a form of skin cancer. Like a weird mole but under your toenail. Again, get it checked out.
Somehow this post ended up being almost educational. Odd turn of events.
American German – language lesson #30
Ist das normal? (ist das norm-aal) Is this normal? – I use this phrase a lot.