Back in the US(S)A and duck farts

I’m back home from our trip to Austria.  I’d be totally depressed if I weren’t sick as a dog.  Although my dogs are healthy as a horse so I’m not sure about that phrase.  My husband gave me a wicked virus as an Austria parting gift.

Conversation with my doctor, who’s been my doctor for over ten years so he’s used to my crazy rants, otherwise, I’d be institutionalized.

Me:  It might be Ebola.

Doctor:  No. It’s not Ebola.  It’s not even the flu.  You have an infection (bla, bla, bla…respiratory, bronchial, sinus, ear something or other).

Me (wheezing and coughing between every syllable):  Isn’t that how Ebola starts? (Jeez, he’s the medical professional)  I had a nosebleed and I’m coughing up lung tissue.  Should we call the airlines and report a contagion?  This could be the beginning of the zombie apocalypse.

Then I inexplicably cough-farted.  You know (hopefully, you don’t) when you cough really hard and it pushes a fart out and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.  It sounded like a really loud, sick duck.  Oh and not just once.  I’m coughing like crazy at this point and with each big cough comes more butt air duck calls.  For some reason, instead of being humiliated, I find this hilarious so I start some kind of laugh-cough-farting frenzy.  I have no idea how my colon had so much air in it.  One of those medical mystery shows should contact me.  My doctor suddenly had to take a call and left the room.

When he comes back he gives me prescriptions for antibiotics and cough syrup. Nothing for gas, maybe he didn’t hear it.

Fun doctor stories anyone?

In happy news, my TV is speaking English

pharmacy

American German – language lesson #6

Fahrt (fart) – drive.   Saying ‘Gute Fahrt’ (goo ta fart) is like saying  ‘Have a good drive’.  Unless you speak English, then it’s like congratulating someone for butt air.

Comments

  1. Hi Julie.

  2. I laughed so hard I snorted. You are cracking me up.

  3. OMG. I need you to go on Leno soon and tell that story. I especially like the label of “duck” for this specific sound.
    Maybe it happened because of the mask..the air had only one direction to go. 🙂

    • julieyoujest says:

      Leno or Leno’s people should totally call me. I’m waiting by the phone now. If you see a bunch of people running around in masks, you’ll know the reason!

      • julieyoujest says:

        Clarification: the mask comment has nothing to do with Leno. The mask comment is referring to people running around trying not to smell their farts – or they have the flu – or they’re trying not to catch the flu – or for some other personal reason…I have no idea and unless you ask, you don’t either. So please ask and then tell me about it. Thought I’d clear that up. You’re welcome.

  4. “I find this hilarious so I start some kind of laugh-cough-farting frenzy.”

    Bahahahahahaha I laugh-farted while reading this.
    Marjorie McAtee recently posted…Imma Become a Freaking HoarderMy Profile

  5. Oh dear! Well on the upside… you didn’t pee!
    Thanks for hooking up at the Hump Day Hook Up
    Molley@A Mother Life recently posted…Books to Read to your Toddlers when they say Again, Again.My Profile

  6. I hate to tell you, I’m sure your doctor heard the cough-fart. But it happens to everyone (or at least to you and me), and I am sure he has seen and heard much worse!
    Dana recently posted…In case you didn’t know, MomMy Profile

  7. You are hilarious julie! I took a drink while i was reading this and was laughing so hard i thought i was going to choke to death! Have you always been this funny because i really didnt know this!

    • julieyoujest says:

      Surprise! It might just be that I’m insane. Jury’s still out. I’m glad you didn’t choke to death (choke-laughing is fine but “to death” would have been horrible – maybe not the worst way to go but still…it’s early and I’m a tad rambly – I made up that word and spellcheck is NOT impressed).

      Welcome to my other world, Kimmi!

Trackbacks

  1. […] and Jack Daniels).  It’s not gross, it’s yummy and it always makes me think of the time I had a duck fart attack in the doctor’s office.  So, now I’ve had three drinks.  […]

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