Essen Scheisse. It’s gluten free.

I could write this post in all caps because I’m screaming!

Three years ago, my immunologist ran a food allergy test (IgG, IgE, LmnOp).

Immunologist:  You’re allergic to tomatoes, pineapple, sorghum, bananas…

Me:  What is sorghum?

Immunologist:  I think it’s what they use to make gluten-free stuff.

Me:  I’ll stay away from that then.

Fast-forward through three years of terrible GI issues (double over in pain every time I eat as well as a whole slew of other nasty unmentionables).  So many medical tests were inflicted on me.  Who is the sadist that came up with a barium swallow?   Barium’s Wikipedia page is terrifying – “Contact with air is dangerous, as it may cause ignition.”  What the hell, science guy who thought it was a good idea to drink this stuff?  It’s a metal, Einstein.

A million medical tests for a big nothing, zero – well except that the aliens asked me to speak at their “Best Way to Administer an Anal Probe” symposium but other than that, nothing, not a clue as to why this keeps happening.  Eventually, I just accept this misery as my new normal.

A few months ago, my rheumatologist said, “Try going off of gluten.”  So I did.

Ten days in and I was doing great. It was amazing. I spent hours on the internet figuring out how to find hidden gluten in food labels – seriously, they hide that shit in secret code.  I read a list of all the different flours and my brain must have had some kind of carb-deprived induced aneurysm because, inexplicably, I march into my general practitioner’s office and announce, “Oh yeah, I totally forgot that I’m allergic to semolina (which I can’t pronounce so I end up saying semen-lala) flour.  The immunologist told me it’s used to make gluten-free stuff but she was so wrong, it’s used for pasta.  I don’t know what she was thinking.  I’ve been allergic to wheat this whole freaking time!”

Ummm.  No I haven’t.  It’s sorghum, dumbass!  Who confuses sorghum with semolina?  Well, they’re both “s” words.  Thankfully, I didn’t suddenly think it was ok for me to eat shit.

While in Austria, I didn’t eat the amazing bread or the ridiculously awesome pasta.  I only sobbed uncontrollably in one Italian restaurant, which I think showed great restraint. Italian Awesomeness

Instead, I ate gluten-free cardboard bread and got sick BECAUSE GLUTEN-FREE CRAP IS MADE WITH SORGHUM!  I’m allergic to sorghum.  I’m not, however, allergic to semolina or semen-lala or gluten or wheat – not even a little!  How did I come up with semolina?  I blame Google.  GOOGLE IS AN ASSHOLE.

Clearly, in the ten days I changed my diet before going to Austria I eliminated something bad – the magical, mystery, devil food – that I reintroduced.  Who can tell me what that was!?  Really, I’m begging you.  Anybody?

I had to come clean to my doctor.

Me:  Remember when I told you I was allergic to semen-lala?  Yeah, I’m not.  It’s sorghum.  The immunologist wasn’t crazy after all.  You didn’t call her or anything, right?

Dr:  I’ll send her a note.  I still want you to stay off gluten.  I think you may have some kind of gluten intolerance.

No doctor, I have a Google intolerance.  I’m allergic to assholes.

Let me get this straight.  I can’t eat gluten or gluten free.  Does anyone else see a problem with that?


American German – language lesson #13

Essen Scheisse.  Es ist glutenfrei. (es sen shy-sa es ist glue-ten-fry)  Eat shit.  It’s gluten free.  This is going on a t-shirt.

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