Everyone at HGTV is a big liar! I’m talking to you, Lara Spencer and all you other home makeover’ers.

The next time I say something about a cortisone shot making me all super-powered, I need for someone to drive to Arkansas and slap the shit out of me.   Who’s gonna take point on that?

It's pretty here and totally worth the drive.

It’s pretty here and totally worth the drive.

For some inexplicable reason, I decided that it was time to redecorate Rachel’s room.  Probably because I’m jacked up on steroids and insane.  Rachel is working in Florida over the summer.  She’s not even here to help!!

We moved into this house in 2004 and that’s the last time paint has touched the walls.  The carpet is probably a thousand years old and nasty.

Here’s what it looked like before.

Rachel bedroom / storage facility.

Rachel bedroom / storage facility.

Here’s what I want it to look like.

Totally doable and realistic, right?  Houzz.com has all the cool ideas.

Totally doable and realistic, right?  Houzz.com has all the cool ideas.

You know how those HGTV types are always saying that paint is a quick and inexpensive way to change up a room.  LIARS!  It’s not quick and it’s certainly not inexpensive.  Holy crap, people!

I went to Sherwin Williams.  They were all, “It’ll only take one coat.”  and I’m all, “Seriously?  The room is coral.”  “Oh yeah, one coat of this super awesome paint will cover anything.”

THAT IS INCORRECT!

I had to go back to Sherwin Williams for another gallon of their super awesome $60 paint that requires two coats even though that’s not what they said and I could have gotten paint for half the price any where else that would have been just as good as their million-dollar-two-coats-are-required paint.  I also bought paint for the trim and again with the “this will do it in one coat and the primer is built right in.”   Great!

THAT IS ALSO INCORRECT!

After I put on one coat on the trim, I had to go to Lowe’s to get primer.  Everyone that ever gave me paint advice is an asshole.  Oh, and brushes cost about as much as a kidney transplant.  So far, I’m in for about 2 million dollars.

In progress...I hate painting.

In progress…I hate painting.

The room looks way bigger with all of Rachel’s crap out of it.  The basement living room is looking very small.

My sister is coming on Friday to help me go through all of this stuff.  Have I mentioned that Rachel is an only child and I may have spoiled her just a tad?  She has a lot of crap.

My sister is coming on Friday to help me go through all of this stuff.  Have I mentioned that Rachel is an only child and I may have spoiled her just a tad?  She has a lot of crap.

We’re putting in new flooring so I had to take everything out of the room.  I slid the mattresses into the hallway next to the laundry room.  Otis, our rott/lab mix with a giant bladder, peed on them.

He who has NEVER peed in the house decides to hike it up on our mattresses.  Stop smiling dog!  You're in trouble!

He who has NEVER peed in the house decides to hike it up on our mattresses.  Stop smiling dog!  You’re in trouble!

Yes, you read that right.  He PEED on the mattresses!  What the ever-loving-fuck!?  There’s another billion dollars.  I can’t ask people to sleep on dog pee, right?  I mean once your dog has sprayed urine all over your mattress, it’s time for a new one.  I googled mattresses to see how much that’s gonna cost me…$1,000.

Let’s break this down –

Wall paint – $120

Ceiling paint (I kept hitting it with the roller so I had no choice) $40

Trim paint and primer – $80

New closet doors (I broke the old ones trying to get them out of the room.  There may have been kicking involved) – $200

Mattresses – $1000

Total cost to paint Rachel’s room – $5 million dollars (I suck at math.)

In conclusion, after three days of painting (I still have to paint the closet doors and some trim pieces that I have to add after the carpet came out.)  and spending $7 million, should you ever consider painting a room, I would advise you to reconsider and just build a new house.

ALSO, my body is pissed off.  I can’t move.  AND apparently, I’m allergic to this paint because everywhere it touched me, it took off a layer of skin and I got it everywhere.

Including my hair.  If you're looking for a really expensive way to get highlights, just bump your head onto a freshly painted wall in your house.

Including my hair.  If you’re looking for a really expensive way to get highlights, just bump your head onto a freshly painted wall in your house.

Did I mention that I hate painting?  I hate painting.

 

American German – language lesson #68

Fick die Scheisse! (fick dee shy-sa) Fuck this shit.  That’s as nice as I can be today.

Comments

  1. I can’t sleep on a dog pee bed !!!!!

    • julieyoujest says:

      You’re sleeping in the office. Add mattress shopping to our list of things to get done this weekend!!

  2. I love this, and I love your math skills.
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 recently posted…Eighth Grade was Pretty DramaticMy Profile

  3. You know, it’s funny, just yesterday I was thinking, “Julie hasn’t blogged in a while, I hope she didn’t underestimate that shot she got,” but little did I know that you were probably writing this post EVEN AS I THOUGHT THAT.

    I think when they say paint is an inexpensive way to spruce up room, they mean, “in comparison to structural changes that require professional assistance.” Pretty color, though.
    Marjorie McAtee recently posted…I’m Afraid of MirrorsMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      Before I get the shot, I’m thinking I’m going to be smart about it and not go all crazy but then I get it and try to pack in everything I wanted to do for the past six months into three weeks like a lunatic. I’ll never learn.

      Structural changes are only more expensive because you have to paint once they’re done. (That’s perfectly sound logic.)

    • julieyoujest says:

      Also…thanks for thinking of me! While I was writing the German lesson I was thinking of you and hoping that it was something you could use.

  4. So what u are saying is u hate to paint? Love all your posts/bloggies.

    • julieyoujest says:

      Thanks Cara! Yes. I hate it. Carla used to come and take over but she’s in Alaska. I’d literally touch the wall with a paint brush then call her and she’d finish it. That didn’t work this time.

  5. Ok, now I’m thinking…… Some of us pee’d the bed…… and some of us had animals that pee’d in the bed when we were younger……. ummmm….never a new mattress….not once…… what happened????? holy crap… wisdom at this age is scarey…. surely there were mattress cleaners back then …..

  6. yep, my mom called the mattress cleaners in….

  7. I was laughing too hard while reading this! Amazing what pets do for timing, no?
    Tommia recently posted…Friday Fast One – Floral EditionMy Profile

  8. There is no such thing as paint that will get great coverage in one coat or built in primer…I found that out the hard way when I painted my house years ago. And a box of crayons is inexpensive…decent latex paint, plus brushes, rollers, tape and plastic to cover all the surfaces you do not want paint on is not.

    Damn all the dogs with giant bladders!
    Maple Syrup Land recently posted…Your vagina renders you ineligible for Father Of The Year Award. Who knew?My Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      Amen! What income bracket are these people in that they think painting is “inexpensive”? You’d think it was some bracket that would allow them to just hire someone to do it…they all hold shares in latex, blue tape and boar hair – THIS IS A CONSPIRACY! Sorry, I’m like 6 weeks late commenting. I’ve been feeling icky, probably due to painting.

Trackbacks

  1. […] how I was painting Rachel’s room and ripping out her carpet?  We did that.  We added a really pretty wood […]

  2. […] I’m so good at math, I decided to formulate a return on investment for this purchase.  I  asked the attendant how […]

  3. […] Otis – mostly, he’s awesome but sometimes, he pukes on your bed.  He might have a thing with mattresses. […]

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