Last month, we had six Germans visiting us. There was a bit of rain one week so we were challenged with finding some entertaining indoor activities. Y’all, Volker discovered, right here in Northwest Arkansas, an indoor go-cart track! Yee-freaking-haw! It’s this giant building full of go-carts, bowling lanes, air hockey, skeet ball, beer and testosterone. Volker took a few of the Germans there for a day’o’fun. After a few hours, I dropped by and saw this…
My husband left the house to drive go-carts and ended up buying a bowling ball. He’s a bowler now? What? I have nothing against bowling. We just don’t bowl. We suck at it. We’ve bowled once, ONCE, in 14 years.
Because I’m so good at math, I decided to formulate a return on investment for this purchase. I asked the attendant how much it cost to rent a ball and shoes (Oh yeah, Volker bought bowling shoes – pretty, pretty bowling shoes).
Bowling guy: The ball is free and …
Me: Wait. The ball is free? Free?!
Bowling guy: Yeah. And the shoes are $3.00.
Me: So, when one purchases a “special” bowling ball, does it go to the end of the lane and split into 10 pieces that are each assigned a specific pin to knock down…you know, like some sort of transformer ball?
Bowling guy: No, they’re all just regular balls, but that’d be cool.
Ok. I’m not sure how this math should work…$200 divided by FREE equals infinity. Not helpful. Using the price for shoe rental – $200 divided by $3 equals 67.
He just has to bowl 67 times to “pay” for this investment. How long will that take? Ugh, more math. 67 X 14 (since we’ve bowled once in 14 years)…
938 years to break EVEN. That may be an oversimplification and there’s some return on investment valuation super computer that would spit out a more accurate number, like 938.4, but you get the gist. A long fucking time. Like, some time after the next ice-age long. Thanks a lot, Al Gore, you’ve totally blown my husband’s chances of getting his money’s worth.
By the way, there is absolutely NO reason for anyone to try to work up some ROI on my bizarre wine bottle collection. That’s different. Fish wine is something for the whole family to enjoy and those bottles will only increase in value.
Let’s see how much this wonder ball improved his game…
Me: Wow, how bad was your score before you bought the ball?
Volker: I was trying to put a spin on it.
Me: I’m not a professional bowler or anything but you should probably stop doing that. The 8-year-old scored higher than you.
Volker: He was using gutter guards.
Me: That you might want to try.
Volker: You’re lucky I didn’t buy a truck.
Me: What!? Why would you buy a truck?
Volker: I’m an American now.
There’s no arguing with that logic. Thank goodness he’s so cute.
What ever makes him happy is fine by me. I’ll have so much fun
heckling cheering him on!
American German – language lesson #78
Kegel (key-gull) – This is the name for a type of German bowling game and, yes, it’s pronounced just like the exercise. My mother-in-law belongs to a league and goes on vacations with the group. It’s hilarious to watch people’s expressions when a 77-year-old woman talks about her Kegel friends in public, so I bring it up often.