I’ll take lady porn for $500, Alex. And it’s the Daily Double…D

I live in a small town (now John Mellencamp is singing in my head) and I was raised in a small town so most of my Facebook friends are also from said small towns in the heart of the Bible Belt… baadaadaadada Hey!  I’m careful to edit myself, be polite, limit crazy rants to this blog (that’s the plan) and keep them off my personal Facebook page.  Let’s call it my Fakebook page – you know, perfectly edited pictures with no dirty dishes or laundry in the background, no double or triple chins, hair coifed, plants alive, dog pooh off the deck.  My real life doesn’t look like that.  There’s dog pooh everywhere!  Also, I don’t believe that the majority of my Fakebook friends buy it for one minute.  Most of these people know me very well so I’m not sure why I waste any time making sure everything is just so…vanilla.  What the hell?  Like I literally just had a light bulb go off as I’m typing.  There are a few who aren’t as familiar with all the crap hiding in my crevices.  If I were to let my freak flag fly would they run screaming for the hills?  Would I care?  Huh.

Now, about that lady porn, scrolling through my very vanilla Fakebook page this morning I notice a theme in my news feed – lots and lots of skin, giant boobs, and bare butts.  One picture was of a woman in a thong (I think there was a thong in there – not really sure) with her butt sticking way up as she leaned over her desk to look at her computer but at the last minute looks over her shoulder as if to say “oooooh, are you taking my picture, teeheehee?”  It was 75% ass.  I’m wondering which one of my deviant friends liked this shit, forcing me to have to see it.  Total dick move.  Keep your porn to yourself.  There are CHILDREN ON THIS SITE!  Dripping disdain and judgment.

Then my niece sent me this text.

Britt:  Ummmm.  Did you mean to like the lady porn page?  I mean, if so, ok.  My news feed says that you ‘liked’ it and now all of the pics are showing up in my feed.

Me:  Oh f’it all.  I didn’t like it.  I mean, I do have a slight tremor in my right hand and I did take half an Ambien last night but only half so I shouldn’t have been all crazy.

Britt:  Hahaha

Me:  So, this means everyone can see it?  The preacher, Rachel’s sorority sisters, GRANDPA!?

Britt:  Yes.  I just peed myself

Me:  My Baptist friends probably had a heart attack!   They’ll be all, “You made Jesus cry!”

Britt:  I can’t breath

Me:  You’re not helping! Make it stop!

Britt:  You have to ‘Unlike’ it

Me:  But I never liked…oh, no.  I found it in my “Liked” pages.  Oops.  I’ve gone to the other side, bitches!!

Britt:  You might have a drug problem.

 

American German – language lesson #3

Leberkåse (lā bur kā sa) – liver cheese but there’s no liver or cheese in it.  It’s more like boiled bologna ham.  It has almost nothing to do with lady porn.

Comments

  1. Again LOVE!
    Carrie @ Just Mildly Medicated
    Carrie recently posted…The begining of a trip to the Mayo Clinic, Night Ranger and Roller CoastersMy Profile

  2. Wow – I’m sitting in my bedroom cracking up right now. This is awesome!! LOL
    Brett Jonas recently posted…K is for KonigsburgMy Profile

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