I’m awesome at eBay. In other news, I’m grounded from eBay. Again.

Do y’all remember when I bought this?

It's German.

It’s German.

I decided that I wanted to start a bizarre wine bottle collection and my husband brushed it off like I would forget about it.  Well, not so fast hubby, look what I won on eBay last night.

It's wine in a fish.  Well, someone drank the wine but who could blame them?  Her name will be Jim the Fish or DonaFin or Wanda...Wanda might be the winner.

It’s wine in a fish.  Well, someone drank the wine but who could blame them?  Her name will be Jim the Fish or DonaFin or Wanda…Wanda might be the winner.

WooHoo!  I’m on my way to a full-on collection, y’all.  Here’s how ‘won on eBay’ played out…

I learned that fishtastic existed after Suzanne Lucas from Times Squared mentioned it in a comment.  Color me interested so the search began.  I found one on eBay, put in a perfectly reasonable $20 maximum bid then went on with my day.  It was $9.99 and there was only one other bidder and just three hours left so how crazy could it get?

There was no way it would go above $20.  That would be ridiculous.

With 30 minutes to go, the other bidder moved in for the steal.  What, bitch?  I upped my max bid to $43.51.  Sneaky, right?  Yes and way too much to spend on a fish wine bottle but my cat wine was already excited about having a new friend and I couldn’t let her down.

The last 60 seconds were total mayhem.  I was frantically typing in numbers with no regard to the value of the item and yelling.  There was a lot of yelling.

This is just the last 60 seconds of bidding.  I was screaming a lot of profanity at the poor soul who dared to bid against me.  I should stay very far away from live auctions.

This is just the last 60 seconds of bidding. I was screaming a lot of profanity at the poor soul who dared to bid against me. I should stay very far away from live auctions.

 

My final bid was $56.51 but my opponent only had time (or more brain cells functioning) to go as high as $55.00 so WINNER = ME!  Sort of.  Seriously, I just paid $56 for an empty fish bottle.

I haven’t had a fierce battle on eBay since 2002 when I paid $127 for a pitcher that wouldn’t go for $5 at a garage sale.  But I really liked it and some crazy asshole kept outbidding me and I wasn’t going to back down over a few dollars.  That’s how they get you.  “Oh, it’s just $10 more dollars.”  Yeah, but when you do that 10 times, say goodbye to your phone bill funds.  I was a single mom at the time and dating Volker, who lived in Germany so I needed A LOT of funds for my phone bill.  I’m not above eating mac and cheese for a month, y’all and that month I ate it out of a very lovely pitcher.  Then I stepped away from the eBay for a few years.

I might be a tad too competitive and shopping for used junk is my sport.

I swear, I’m typically a kind and thoughtful person, just don’t bid against me on eBay or try going for an item that I have my eye on at an antique store or thrift shop or garage sale or, for the love of all that is holy, an estate sale.

If you even look twice at an estate sale item that me or someone with me wants, I will cut you and make it look like an accident.  Usually, I’m trying to outfox a sweet, innocent looking elderly person.  Don’t be fooled.  They’ve survived wars and the depression and farming.  Any one of them could kick my ass in about ten seconds.  But not on estate sale day…Don’t fuck with me, grandma.

I found a Bodum French press once for $2.  I didn’t need another French press but it was $2.  Two dollars!  Those things are like $40 at Starbucks.  I saved $38 just by buying it.  See, totally worth it.  That sly move almost paid for the fish bottle.  Sweet.

I’m on the road to starring in an episode of Hoarders.  Or possibly some prison time.  I should find a new hobby.

But not before I’m done collecting bizarre wine bottles!

Tell me about a time when you lost you mind over something ridiculous.  I can’t possibly be the only one.  I’ve seen some of y’all on Black Friday during the years I worked in retail, so I know you’re out there.

 

American German – language lesson #64  The ABC’s of Swearing edition – We’re going through the alphabet learning German swear words, y’all.

Du bist ein Ochsenkopf. (due bist ine oxen-kopf) You are an ox head or an idiot head or ass head.  Volker just chimed in to let me know that “Ochsenficker”  or  “Ox fucker” is more offensive.  I don’t always have to be a total bitch, Volker.  He’s so cute.

 

Comments

  1. It’s important to make sure you win those ebay auctions! I still regret not bidding higher on the 19th century marble bust that I desperately wanted. Sure it ended up going for five hundred dollars, but to this day I wonder if I could have got it for five hundred and one.
    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted…When David Bowie asked if there’s life on Mars, I don’t think this is what he had in mind…My Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      I have a few of those things that I wish I would have purchased that I still remember after years. The bust would have probably gone up to $25,591.52 so it’s good that you walked away.

  2. “They’ve survived wars and the depression and farming.” Bahaha!

    The last time I lost it over something ridiculous, I was trying to exchange a pair of jeans that someone had given me that were the wrong size (because my relatives always buy me a size XXL because ‘you weren’t always so thin, you know, Marjorie,’ as if that makes any sense). I can’t even remember what the girl at the exchange counter said, but it amounted to “we can’t let you exchange the jeans,” I can’t remember why, but I completely lost it and Gwar-screamed at the girl, which is what I do when I’m really angry, and I thought they were going to get the security guard to escort me off premises, but instead they let me exchange the jeans. So, win, I guess.
    Marjorie McAtee recently posted…Fun Friday Facts #73: History of AnesthesiaMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      I’m laughing so hard at your comment…WTF, relatives?! I need to learn this Gwar-scream – it sounds terrifying and awesome and it may have some mind control capabilities.

  3. A bizarre wine bottle collection is brilliant! I think everyone should have some kind of weird collection. I currently have a collection of “Weird Gifts My Boss Gets Me When He Goes On Vacation”…so far it consists of a real baby alligator head (I named him Snappy), a jar of dehydrated cricket snacks and a carved wooden mask that looks like a cross between satan and a really angry bird. The last time he went on holiday, his wife made him get the staff something nice instead of dead animal heads, which totally bummed everyone out a little and we all agreed next vacation he needs to shop for us alone.

    I don’t dare go near ebay…I’d end up destitute and possibly in jail for uttering threats to other potential buyers (intimidation tactics are a key part of successful bidding)
    Maple Syrup Land recently posted…Got my zen back. Apparently it was in Tofino all this time.My Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      Your boss sounds like a shopping genius. Now I want an alligator head wine bottle. You could make Christmas cards with Snappy and the devil bird mask – that would be hilarious. I should work for Hallmark.

  4. Have to agree with Marjorie – best line in the post, followed closely by “Don’t fuck with me, Grandma.”
    Hmm I don’t know when the last time I lost it was. I was in a real blow by blow when I won my Kindle on eBay, but it wasn’t nearly as exciting as your fish wine bottle escapade.
    I say there’s nothin’ wrong with a little KD – toss in some tuna for protein and you’re good to go!
    Brandy recently posted…Penises Can Be Quite PoeticMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      How do you like your Kindle? I have the first or second one so I don’t have all the bells and whistles. I do pack one less bag every time I travel to Germany/Austria – that’s nice.

      Now, all I can think about is tuna. Yum.

  5. Lol, awesome! Maybe I should be feeling guilty about bringing you back to eBay, but hey, you got a rockin’ fish-shaped wine bottle to add to your collection. Love it!
    Suzanne Lucas recently posted…Driving for Dummies: How to Pass CarsMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      I can’t wait to get it! I’m singing the hero song to you again! Now I MUST find a frog wine bottle.

      I’m a little bummed that I missed out on the Lima Peru figural wine bottle candle holders – they were awesome but the fish is definitely my favorite!

  6. i can’t take the excitement of ebay bidding…i get to invested. I only go for the buy now options. My dad on the other hand he likes to auction off broken phones and ancient laptops…he does tell people they are broken…they still go for crazy money
    Poke The Rock recently posted…Day 20: StruggleMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      I’m pretty sure I had heart palpitations – whatever that is.

      I have so many old phones. I have no idea what to do with them. Your dad’s a genius!

  7. New Zealand’s on-line auction is Trade-me, very much like e-Bay, except if there is a bid in the last two minutes , the auction extends by 2 minutes, so if you are in a bidding war it will keep going until someone drops out. It can get really expensive, which is only awesome when I am selling something.
    Rhonda @Laugh-Quotes recently posted…What Is The Hole For? Wei Dynasty Dog at the Auckland Museum WW *LinkyMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      I would get into so much trouble on that site! I wonder what the longest auction was? Maybe it’s still going on. It would be some 1984 Cabbage Patch doll going for $3,587,256.41 or a jar of frog hands. You don’t see a lot of those.

  8. Your blog title alone for this had me cracking up laughing! Second priceless line: “I’m on the road to starring in an episode of Hoarders. Or possibly some prison time. I should find a new hobby.” My brother and I attempted spring cleaning at the parents’ place (because our own are so small and done in half a day). Didn’t succeed in throwing out a thing. Smuggling, on the other hand… It’s been two years since I bought anything on eBay.
    Tommia recently posted…Sunday Psalm – Psalm 27My Profile

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  1. […] of college, was the perfect shopping companion, started this blog with me, played hours of Hulu, kicked eBay’s ass, and stayed pretty fit for an old guy.  It’s 7 years old and that’s like 92 in laptop […]

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