Ok, I know…it’s been a while. I’ve been sick – shocker. I’m on a steroid dose-pack right now, so – Suck it, inflammation!
The town I live in was once a retirement village. It started out as planned community for those in the later stages of life – lots of golf courses and lakes – but now, pretty much every age is represented…we got a grade school a few years back and everything. In my cul-de-sac, there are still a few retired ladies that live alone and even though they are way tougher than I am, I still keep an eye out to make sure no creepy weirdos try to take advantage of them.
The other day, when I was out walking the dogs, I noticed these two guys heading my way with clipboards. They walked right up to my neighbor lady’s house and started chatting her up. Y’all, there was no vehicle in sight – where did they come from? No uniform, no windbreaker with a giant company logo on back…nothing. They had clipboards. You can really get those anywhere…Seriously, ANYWHERE. It’s not exactly the best way to determine that the guys are legit – “At first, I thought they could be hacksaw murderers, Officer, but then I saw the clipboards and thought that no self-respecting psycho would carry a clipboard. Only good guys carry clipboards, so, I invited them in and now my torso is being stored in their freezer. Didn’t see that coming.”
So, I walked around the circle, both dogs in tow, and watched them like a hawk. At some point in the conversation, she INVITED THEM INTO HER HOUSE! I freaked – Great. Cannibalistic stabby guys are now IN my neighbor’s house. I made Volker stand in our yard so he could listen in on their conversation and call 911 at any sign of distress. In our neighborhood, you can hear every conversation happening in a five-block radius. The sound bounces off the water. My sister lives about a half a mile down the lake and can hear when my dog barks.
Meanwhile, me and the other neighbor lady took a drive around the neighborhood to find the creepy dudes’ car. Yes, I recruited her and might have scared her a little, but, remember the clipboards? I was planning on taking a picture of their license plate so I could report them to the police if anything happened later – only after I chased them out of the area with a giant bat or weed wacker – whatever was available – I hadn’t really thought that through. We couldn’t find their car. Now I’m super suspicious, so, instead of walking around the cul-de-sac, I just pace back and forth on her driveway. Luckily, she had left her newspaper out by her mailbox. I took it up to the door and glared inside her window – there they were, around the kitchen table with their clipboards and what appeared to be calculators. I didn’t see any hacksaws.
I reported back to Volker everything I knew so far. He didn’t seem concerned at all, well, not about the neighbor anyway.
Volker: You watched them through her window?
Me: Yeah. She wouldn’t answer her phone. There’s no car, Volker!
After what seemed like hours (according to Volker, it was more like 30 minutes – whatever), they left. Of course, I snapped their picture because I’m a super-slueth like that.
I went to see my neighbor to make sure she still had all of her appendages. She said that they were from AT&T and that she was getting U-Verse. Seriously!? I did’t know that we could get U-Verse. Sweet!
Volker said that I had lost my mind. He also reminded me that I had been sick and in bed all day before I ventured out to walk the dogs. Why did he tell me this? I think he was alluding to the fact that I might be the crazy person in this particular scenario – for more reasons than one.
No wonder those clipboard guys were looking at me all weird – that or they wanted to chop me into pieces and store me in their freezer. I probably just saved the whole neighborhood.
American German – language lesson #128 (seriously, just making up numbers at this point)
Ich bin wie Sherlock, Ihr Arschlöcher. (ick bin vee sherlock, ear arsh-losh-er) I’m like Sherlock, you assholes! – Don’t fuck with my neighbors. I’ll go all Liam Neeson on your ass and flip the hell out. Have you seen my hair? I’m crazy and have no problem chasing you with a weed wacker. It won’t be running or anything – I can never get those things to start. Also, “chasing” you will be an issue – if you could just stand still, that’d be helpful.