“Madison is fine.” That’s how my sister opened her phone call to me on Sunday. Madison is my niece. Some black ice caused her car and a tree to have an unfortunate meeting.
“Fine” in my family means that no one is dead. You could be missing an appendage or, like in Madison’s case, have a concussion and a jaw broken in two places but as long as you’re breathing, we open with an “it’s fine.” Our brother died in a car accident in 1998, so we know about the “are you sitting down” phone calls and we’re careful when relaying scary news, especially when that news involves a mangled car.
We’re also a bunch of freaks. As long as no one is dead, we’re quick to make light of an otherwise terrible situation.
Madison’s jaw has been reset and her mouth wired shut – for SIX WEEKS. That’s a lot of smoothies. Here’s how my family – who my husband refers to as “sick twists” – responded to the news:
Me: I can’t even imagine…it’s gonna be so quiet at your house.
Sheli (her mom): I know. She’s already talking about how skinny she’ll be this summer. It seems like a lot to go through to lose a few pounds.
Me: Well, summer will be here before we know it. It’s kind of a brilliant plan. Especially the part where she was driving your car. Her car is fine and not like the fine we use but actually fine.
Madison (grunting): My yaw is roken. Not roken, ROKEN! Jit! (switches to writing) I’m gonna need the following, STAT: leopard print PJs, a Victoria Secret hoodie, slippers, movies, one million dollars, and an endless supply of…wait, are cheeseburger smoothies any good?
She’s gonna totally milk this. She has a similar level of patience as the rest of the family, so giving her a wipe board to write on could be dangerous. She has really good aim and we’re not as quick as we used to be.
Sherli (another aunt): She said she knew enough sign language to get through six weeks, but, really, she only knows one hand gesture.
Madison is known for her lightning fast wit and for being a total get-you-in-a-bar-fight-at-Walmart smart ass – combining the two usually has us laughing hysterically. The girl should do stand-up, you know, six weeks from now.
Honestly, with all the horrific ice related accidents happening across the country (as well as the whole brother thing) we recognize that it could have been so much worse. Now, we just need Maddie to heal up fast…and unload a Dodge.
Anyone interested in a used car? It’s fine.
It can’t go straight but that’s highly overrated.
Hopefully, we’ll get at least one embarrassing morphine viral video that would translate well into a commercial. My sister needs a new car.
American German – language lesson #108
Bullenscheiße! (bowl-len-shy-sa) Bullshit! – A perfect sentiment for the day’s events. Practice this one. It comes in handy and works better if you can say it with confidence.