RACHEL UPDATE: I’m putting this at the top because it’s such great news! Rach has really turned a corner and is flying through recovery! Amazingly, in the past 24 hours, she went from not being able to drink water to eating a bit of solid food. Her color is almost back to normal and she’s off of IV pain meds that, just yesterday, she needed every two hours. I’m giddy happy, y’all! Thanks for all of your prayers, well wishes, crossed fingers, candle lighting and support. You guys are awesome!
Now, be prepared to be grossed out.
Remember earlier when I was telling you about Rachel being super sick and not knowing what was causing it. It’s E. Coli. A ficken bad-ass E. Coli that apparently eats colons for breakfast. That’s probably what E. Coli means, eats colons. I don’t know. I don’t speak Italian. We’ll be staying in the hospital a while but she’ll recover and that’s really good news.
This has all been very stressful and exhausting. Luckily, I have bizarre friends and family that really step up to the plate in giving some occasional comic relief.
Monday morning when we still had no idea what was happening, a couple friends came by. While Rach rested, we chatted in a waiting area.
Me: We thought she was having just really awful menstrual cramps.
Bob: Couldn’t it still be menstrual? I mean, she did have that ovary surgery a few months ago and maybe it messed up her plumbing.
Me: What? Are you saying you think she’s having a really heavy period out of her butt? That’s not remotely possible. You know about vaginas, right?
At this point we’re all laughing. Shaking our heads and wondering how someone could ever come up with that but still, there’s some laughter.
Bob: Laugh all you want but when I had a vasectomy, weeks later one ball swelled up like a grapefruit. Come to find out, it was full of feces. Somehow, there was some kind of wiring mix up. I was on a business trip and had to go to a meeting with that thing in my pants.
Volker: That gives a whole new meaning to sack of shit.
Me: That is nine kinds of disturbing. Hold on…You had a giant, poop-filled testicle in your pants and you didn’t go straight to the hospital? What did you say when you walked into the meeting? “Hey, eyes up here!” Then set it on the conference table and explained, “I don’t mean to be gross (you’re about to be gross) but I have an enormous, chocolate boulder that’s gonna snap my scrotum if I don’t prop it up on something.”
Volker: Oh my god! I just googled big balls. Did it look like this?
Bob: Oh! No. It did not.
They both stood there looking at google images and occasionally screaming, “OOOH! Jeeez!”, while crossing one knee over the other and using one hand to cover their junk like they were protecting it from whatever happened to the guy in the picture.
If you spend even part of your day perusing the internet to find freaky ball pictures, it might be time to reevaluate a few things in your life. I know that no matter what I say, there are some of you that will immediately get your google on after reading this. It’s yet another thing that you can’t un-see. Burned into your brain for all of eternity. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
American German – language lesson #58
Ei voller Scheisse. (eye foal-a shy-sa) Ball full of shit. Ei is German for egg, which is slang for testicle. You never know when you might need this one. The translation, not an actual shit-ball. You’ll almost never need a ball full of shit.