Is that pooh in your testicle or are you just happy to see me?

RACHEL UPDATE:  I’m putting this at the top because it’s such great news!  Rach has really turned a corner and is flying through recovery!  Amazingly, in the past 24 hours, she went from not being able to drink water to eating a bit of solid food.  Her color is almost back to normal and she’s off of IV pain meds that, just yesterday, she needed every two hours.  I’m giddy happy, y’all!  Thanks for all of your prayers, well wishes, crossed fingers, candle lighting and support.  You guys are awesome!

A smile!!  WoooooHooooo!!

A smile!! WoooooHooooo!!

 

Now, be prepared to be grossed out.

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Remember earlier when I was telling you about Rachel being super sick and not knowing what was causing it.  It’s E. Coli.  A ficken bad-ass E. Coli that apparently eats colons for breakfast.  That’s probably what E. Coli means, eats colons.  I don’t know.  I don’t speak Italian.  We’ll be staying in the hospital a while but she’ll recover and that’s really good news.

This has all been very stressful and exhausting.  Luckily, I have bizarre friends and family that really step up to the plate in giving some occasional comic relief.

Monday morning when we still had no idea what was happening, a couple friends came by.  While Rach rested, we chatted in a waiting area.

Me:  We thought she was having just really awful menstrual cramps.

Bob:  Couldn’t it still be menstrual?  I mean, she did have that ovary surgery a few months ago and maybe it messed up her plumbing.

Me:  What?  Are you saying you think she’s having a really heavy period out of her butt?  That’s not remotely possible.  You know about vaginas, right?

At this point we’re all laughing.  Shaking our heads and wondering how someone could ever come up with that but still, there’s some laughter.

Bob:  Laugh all you want but when I had a vasectomy, weeks later one ball swelled up like a grapefruit.  Come to find out, it was full of feces.  Somehow, there was some kind of wiring mix up.  I was on a business trip and had to go to a meeting with that thing in my pants.

Volker:  That gives a whole new meaning to sack of shit.

Me:  That is nine kinds of disturbing.  Hold on…You had a giant, poop-filled testicle in your pants and you didn’t go straight to the hospital?   What did you say when you walked into the meeting?  “Hey, eyes up here!”   Then set it on the conference table and explained,  “I don’t mean to be gross (you’re about to be gross) but I have an enormous, chocolate boulder that’s gonna snap my scrotum if I don’t prop it up on something.”

Volker:  Oh my god!  I just googled big balls.  Did it look like this?

Bob:  Oh!  No.  It did not.

They both stood there looking at google images and occasionally screaming, “OOOH! Jeeez!”, while crossing one knee over the other and using one hand to cover their junk like they were protecting it from whatever happened to the guy in the picture.

 

The more you gross out one boy, the louder the other one laughs.

The more you gross out one boy, the louder the other one laughs.

If you spend even part of your day perusing the internet to find freaky ball pictures, it might be time to reevaluate a few things in your life.  I know that no matter what I say, there are some of you that will immediately get your google on after reading this.  It’s yet another thing that you can’t un-see.  Burned into your brain for all of eternity.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

American German – language lesson #58

Ei voller Scheisse. (eye foal-a shy-sa) Ball full of shit.  Ei is German for egg, which is slang for testicle.  You never know when you might need this one.  The translation, not an actual shit-ball.  You’ll almost never need a ball full of shit.

 

Comments

    • julieyoujest says:

      I can barely count on one hand the times I’ve said, “Speaking of large scrotal sacks” – Hilarious. Not the guy with the person-sized ball, that’s terrible.

  1. *Almost* never. 😉

    Glad to hear your kid is gonna be okay! Hope she gets well soon!
    Marjorie McAtee recently posted…Why Do We Effin’ Cuss?My Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      She’s turned a corner and it’s amazing how fast she’s improving. She ate solid food today!! In 24 hours we went from can’t drink water to food you have to chew. WooHoo!!

  2. There are some things I could live without knowing…
    Kate recently posted…I know you wanna know- why did I start bloggingMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      Oh no! Sorry to have added to your list of things you can’t erase from your brain. I didn’t post a picture so, at least there’s that. You never know, there could come a day many years from now where knowing this tidbit could save a life…probably just a ball but maybe a life.

  3. OMG that is fantastic news…OK not so much that she got the e.coli but that she is recovering …30 second dance party!!! Any idea on where she got it??

    You must be so relieved!!! Ei voll scheisse…for some reason even I crossed my legs!
    Poke The Rock recently posted…Day 8: Gather around!My Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      I know! If I weren’t so tired, I’d do a dance party! I don’t think we’ll ever know where she go it. She doesn’t eat beef (especially not ground beef) and that’s a big culprit of E. coli but you can get it from raw veggies or a door handle so who knows. The CDC has a sample so if there has been other cases we might hear something otherwise, we’ll probably never know.

  4. I’m so happy for Rachel… and so sorry for Bob. Ew.
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 recently posted…What I Really Want For Mothers’ DayMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      She might get to go home today! It’s pretty impressive – she’s a freaking rock star recoverer.

      Bob made a full recovery. After being in the hospital elbow deep in ew, my gross out factor is virtually non-exsistent. I’m not sure when it will be back to normal.

  5. George says:

    Oh my!!!!! Now I’m going to go through the rest of the day humming that dang AC/DC song………. you know the one………. remember?

  6. George says:

    BTW, good to know Rach is on the mend, but that does go without saying.

  7. Glad to hear Rachel’s going to be well!!
    Tommia recently posted…Forest and the TreesMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      Thank you! Even the doctors were surprised by her recovery. The whole ordeal was just terrifying. Glad it’s over!!

  8. So incredibly disgusting and hilarious all at once! Luv this!
    Brandy recently posted…Hell and Back (THANK YOU Hyperbole and a Half)My Profile

  9. I am so glad your daughter is better. I just found your site. I had this same issue five years ago…had my entire colon removed…Im really happy she was able to avoid that path. I read the other post as well and remember saying “I dont care if I AM dying, just let me go…” I wasnt suicidal just frigging miserable. Again…so happy she is well…I think I had a bit of a reaction reading this one…who knew it still bugged me?

    • julieyoujest says:

      Hi Zoe! I’m glad you found me!

      I can imagine how this could take you back to your ordeal. I’m glad you’re ok!

  10. OMG. I laughed out loud.
    The Insomniac’s Dream recently posted…Panic! (And Not At the Disco)My Profile

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