It’s not gangrene and there’s a lot of German profanity.

Last week on the phone with my sister…

Me:  I have a giant red thing on my neck.  It’s not a hickey.

Sherli:  Take a picture.

Me:  I can’t get the right angle.  Hold on, I’m walking into the dentist’s office.

Me:  (in a packed waiting room to the receptionist)  Hi!  Would you mind taking a picture of the not hickey on my neck?

A self portrait.   I might need more art classes.  The real picture is too gross for the internet.

A self portrait.  I might need more art classes.   The real picture is too gross for the internet.

She took the picture and I sent it via text to my sister, Sherli.

Sherli’s response:  Slut

Me:  It’s been there for a week and it’s spreading.  It’s not my usual summer outbreak of poison whatever.  It’s weird.  I have it on my arm, shoulder, leg and hip.  It’s probably gangrene.  Do they make ointment for that?

Sherli:  Ask a pharmacist.

After umpteen years of getting weird hive rashes every summer, I thought I’d seen them all.  Nope.  So, I was a bit freaked out when  I went to the pharmacy.  I have a tendency to get chatty when I’m freaked out.

Me:  See this thing on my neck?  It’s not a hickey and it’s spreading everywhere.  See my arm?  It’s probably gangrene.  Do you have an ointment for that?

Pharmacist:  Ok.  Um.  No…

Me:  Shouldn’t I put something on it?  Doesn’t it make your arm fall off?  or your nose?  Am I confusing gangrene with leprosy?

Pharmacist:  No..It…

Me:  Better my nose than my arm.  Well, it’s my left arm and I primarily use my right arm.  I think.  I haven’t kept a journal noting the frequency of appendage use or anything.

Pharmacist:  (Just standing there, stunned with a worried look on her face – probably because I have gangrene and it might be contagious or something.  I didn’t google gangrene before I asked.  That would have been helpful.)

Me:  (filling awkward silence) I only have one nose, so if my nose fell off, that’d be it.  I don’t have a fall back nose.  (silence) Just the one.  (more silence)  Is there a nose job that puts a whole nose on, you know if your nose was completely gone?

Pharmacist:  (Takes a deep breath)  I think your nose is safe.  It looks like poison ivy.

Me:  It’s not poison ivy.  Why would I have poison ivy?

Pharmacist:  Why would you have gangrene?

Me:  How should I know?  That’s why I’m asking you.

It was those damn fuzz worms, y’all!  By the way, I googled gangrene yesterday and I don’t have a single symptom that would suggest that I have it or leprosy.  Those are two terrifying diseases.  I really dodged a bullet.

In happy news, I got a super powered cortisone shot on Tuesday.  I’ve been feeling a more than usual amount of icky.  I don’t have poison ivy.  We’re not sure what it is.  Probably some kind of funky auto-immune response to air.  My immune system is an asshole.

The shot gives me several weeks of almost normal so I’m pumped.  Now, I can catch up on all the blogs I love.  Tomorrow, I’ll be heading to Oklahoma to visit family.  No way could I make that trip without my magic shot.  Thanks, doc!

 

 

American German – language lesson #67.  Last day of the ABC’s of Swearing Challenge.

We’re finishing the alphabet learning German swear words.   Since I’m so behind, we’ve got a lot to cover.

Resteficker  (res-ta-fick-er)  The guy or girl who fucks the leftovers.  Not like dinner leftovers, more like party leftovers.

Scheißkopf  (shys-kopf)  Shit head.  It good to have basics.

Tortenarsch  (tort-en-arsh)  Pie ass.  This one might be too personal.

Du bist die Made auf  der Scheiße.  (do bist dee mad-a auf dare shy-sa) You are the maggot on shit.  Take that, asshole.

Vogelscheissesammler  (fo-gel-shy-sa-zam-ler)  Bird shit collector.  It’s funny.  It just is.

Waldscheisser  (vald-shy-sa)  Forest shitter.  Volker says that this is hilarious. Something about nature and shit is really cracking him up.

Xylophonsticklutscher  (sue-la-fone-stick-loo-cha)  Xylophone stick sucker.  That roughly means the act of giving a blow job to a xylophone stick.  You’re welcome.

Yogaschlampe  (yo-ga-shlam-pa)  Yoga bitch.  We all know one.

Yetimuschi  (yea-tee-mush-y)  Yeti pussy.  She may be in desperate need of grooming her area.

Ziegenfurz  (tzee-gen-four-etz)  Goat fart.  I’ve been called worse.

Zeitlupenscheisser  (tzite-loop-en-shy-sa)  Slow motion shitter.  I don’t even know what to say about this one.  Let me know when you use it.

Comments

  1. Oh crap, did you let them bite you after all? I know we were hoping for the super powers, but I probably should have warned you my advice has a tendency to be … what’s the expression I’m looking for … for shit. Maybe they needed to be radioactive fuzzy worms?
    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted…Is there such a thing as a placebo for alcoholics…My Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      I’m still holding out hope that I’m in the morphing stage and soon my super power will be revealed. Is ‘itchy’ a super power?

  2. Sorry about your rash, but thanks for the laughs. My favorite line “Why would you have gangrene?” ~ I am still giggling.
    As for the German words, I was an exchange student in Germany in high school, and honestly, a few of the words in your AtoZ are the only ones I remember in German 🙂
    Rhonda @Laugh-Quotes recently posted…Celebrating Small Things in LifeMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      The cortisone shot has almost cleared it up – yay!

      That’s funny. It’s like our brain is wired to remember profanity and the phrase for ‘thank you’, everything else is tossed out.

  3. I vote you continue the ABCs of German swearing forever. I’m going to need to know this stuff the next time I travel to Germany.
    Marjorie McAtee recently posted…Fun Friday Facts #75: Biological Warfare in HistoryMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      Your vote counts! I’ll mix in some with the normal lessons. Profanity is probably more useful than the Fish Heads song.

  4. I can’t stop laughing. Between imaging your scene at the pharmacy and your German swearing, I’m having a hard time typing. “I really dodged a bullet.” Oh, boy…I’m crying. My kids are looking at me like I’m crazy.

    I love you, Julie. You rock!
    Kelly @ Dysfunctionally Functional recently posted…Theme ThursdayMy Profile

  5. LMAO! The scene in the chemist is hilarious!

    I’m pretty sure that one of my auto-immune illnesses pertains to Spawn, as I also feel sick and headachey whenever he enters my room…or is that just called motherhood? 🙂
    Lily recently posted…Our Happy Home.My Profile

  6. Yeti Pussy?! I love it!

    Very glad you are not gangrenous!
    Brandy recently posted…Photo-a-Day – 1: B is for…My Profile

  7. One of my friends is a pharmacist and I can just picture him dying if someone did that to him. Hope your non-hickey goes away!
    Kate recently posted…Time travel- someone get on thatMy Profile

  8. I left you some goodies!! Come by & check it out!
    Kelly @ Dysfunctionally Functional recently posted…Theme ThursdayMy Profile

  9. I am so glad you don’t have gangerene, last time I went to the doctor and said I might have lupus..well actually I just needed special painkillers cos my immune system sucks too and I need special ones..*Immune System sucks High Five*. I also need to catch up on a lot of blogs..maybe I am you…or not ..hm
    Poke The Rock recently posted…Veggie bluesMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      How are you doing with this potential lupus diagnosis? I’ve been through all that testing and diagnosis crap so if you need to rant or flip out, I’m here! It can be very frustrating to say the least. I’m glad you have special pills!!!

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