Last week on the phone with my sister…
Me: I have a giant red thing on my neck. It’s not a hickey.
Sherli: Take a picture.
Me: I can’t get the right angle. Hold on, I’m walking into the dentist’s office.
Me: (in a packed waiting room to the receptionist) Hi! Would you mind taking a picture of the not hickey on my neck?
She took the picture and I sent it via text to my sister, Sherli.
Sherli’s response: Slut
Me: It’s been there for a week and it’s spreading. It’s not my usual summer outbreak of poison whatever. It’s weird. I have it on my arm, shoulder, leg and hip. It’s probably gangrene. Do they make ointment for that?
Sherli: Ask a pharmacist.
After umpteen years of getting weird hive rashes every summer, I thought I’d seen them all. Nope. So, I was a bit freaked out when I went to the pharmacy. I have a tendency to get chatty when I’m freaked out.
Me: See this thing on my neck? It’s not a hickey and it’s spreading everywhere. See my arm? It’s probably gangrene. Do you have an ointment for that?
Pharmacist: Ok. Um. No…
Me: Shouldn’t I put something on it? Doesn’t it make your arm fall off? or your nose? Am I confusing gangrene with leprosy?
Me: Better my nose than my arm. Well, it’s my left arm and I primarily use my right arm. I think. I haven’t kept a journal noting the frequency of appendage use or anything.
Pharmacist: (Just standing there, stunned with a worried look on her face – probably because I have gangrene and it might be contagious or something. I didn’t google gangrene before I asked. That would have been helpful.)
Me: (filling awkward silence) I only have one nose, so if my nose fell off, that’d be it. I don’t have a fall back nose. (silence) Just the one. (more silence) Is there a nose job that puts a whole nose on, you know if your nose was completely gone?
Pharmacist: (Takes a deep breath) I think your nose is safe. It looks like poison ivy.
Me: It’s not poison ivy. Why would I have poison ivy?
Pharmacist: Why would you have gangrene?
Me: How should I know? That’s why I’m asking you.
It was those damn fuzz worms, y’all! By the way, I googled gangrene yesterday and I don’t have a single symptom that would suggest that I have it or leprosy. Those are two terrifying diseases. I really dodged a bullet.
The shot gives me several weeks of almost normal so I’m pumped. Now, I can catch up on all the blogs I love. Tomorrow, I’ll be heading to Oklahoma to visit family. No way could I make that trip without my magic shot. Thanks, doc!
We’re finishing the alphabet learning German swear words. Since I’m so behind, we’ve got a lot to cover.
Resteficker (res-ta-fick-er) The guy or girl who fucks the leftovers. Not like dinner leftovers, more like party leftovers.
Scheißkopf (shys-kopf) Shit head. It good to have basics.
Tortenarsch (tort-en-arsh) Pie ass. This one might be too personal.
Du bist die Made auf der Scheiße. (do bist dee mad-a auf dare shy-sa) You are the maggot on shit. Take that, asshole.
Vogelscheissesammler (fo-gel-shy-sa-zam-ler) Bird shit collector. It’s funny. It just is.
Waldscheisser (vald-shy-sa) Forest shitter. Volker says that this is hilarious. Something about nature and shit is really cracking him up.
Xylophonsticklutscher (sue-la-fone-stick-loo-cha) Xylophone stick sucker. That roughly means the act of giving a blow job to a xylophone stick. You’re welcome.
Yogaschlampe (yo-ga-shlam-pa) Yoga bitch. We all know one.
Yetimuschi (yea-tee-mush-y) Yeti pussy. She may be in desperate need of grooming her area.
Ziegenfurz (tzee-gen-four-etz) Goat fart. I’ve been called worse.
Zeitlupenscheisser (tzite-loop-en-shy-sa) Slow motion shitter. I don’t even know what to say about this one. Let me know when you use it.