L is for Language (the foul kind – you’ve had fair warning)

I love to cuss.  I didn’t do it growing up and now I’m spewing years of repressed anger expletives like I have some kind of quota I’m supposed to meet and I’m dreadfully behind.

One problem (yes, just one), screaming profanity in public is generally frowned upon by polite society.  One tiny F-bomb dropped at the local Walmart (the Arkansas version of polite society) and you’d think I was foaming at the mouth and trying to block off the bread aisle the day before a forecasted blizzard.  There are not many places on the planet more worthy of an F-bomb then the bread section of a Walmart store the day before we might be getting an inch of snow.  There’s a giant run on all bread.  Gone in 60 seconds.  That might just be a Southern thing.

There’s something about yelling ‘Fuck!’ that just makes stress melt away.  I understand that some people find this cringe worthy but when the need arises, what’s a girl to do?

I’ll tell you what – Say it in a foreign language.  I’m about to share with you a phrase that if practiced enough with the appropriate diction and force will have you screaming profanity right in front of a room full of kindergarteners without a single stink eye from an adult and zero ridicule from toddlers.  You are welcome!

Ready.  This is my personal favorite:  Fick die Henne!  (fick dee hen-na) – Fuck the chicken!  No one in the US (unless they speak German) will have any idea that you just landed an F-bomb right into their lap.  If there happens to be a German speaker in your midst, you might get slapped or they might have a heart attack – apparently, chicken fucking is VERY offensive to our friends in Deutschland.

Not this chicken.

Not this chicken.

If you switch this phrase with your typical foul-mouthed favorite within no time you will feel the same awesome relief normally reserved for the most offensive utterance.  The trick is practice and confidence.  Oh, and I’ve tried it with just the word ‘Fick’ – too close.  The whole phrase is needed if you’re looking to avoid pissing people off.

If you happen to travel to a German speaking country, you’ll need to remember to switch back to English.  Cussing in English is fine in a foreign country.  Once I was in a toy store in Austria and the original version of Cee Lo’s Forget You was playing over the musak.  Seriously, no less than 25 Fuck You’s in less than three minutes over a speaker in a TOY STORE!  If that’s not an invitation to scream English profanity, well then nothing is.

Don’t tell anyone the true meaning of this phrase.  That’ll ruin the fun for the rest of us.

Also, I’m making up a new acronym that will sweep the nation – the world – the universe!  Ready…

WTHFB?!

What-the-holy-fuck-balls (now this is important) ? followed by an !.  Got it?  Ok.  We’re ready to set this ablaze over the whole of the interwebs.

 

American German – language lesson #41

See above.  Don’t be all greedy.

Comments

  1. I come from hearty German stock but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your view) the only German words I know are swear words and I’m definitely adding “fuck the chicken” to my repertoire.

    I love it when people speak German because it always sounds angry and fierce, even when they’re saying something like “I love kittens and rainbows”
    Maple Syrup Land recently posted…Writing frenzy, soul-stealing book covers and LiebstersMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      You’re so right. My first month in Germany, I thought everyone was mad at me…well, they may have actually been mad at me. Who could tell?! Now, when my husband speaks German, I think it’s all sexy. I’m not sure what that says about me.

  2. OMG – This is hilarious. Love the tips, especially remembering to switch back to English.

    Thanks for visiting me as it helped me to find you. I am a new follower.
    Rhonda @Laugh-Quotes.com
    AtoZ #41
    Rhonda @Laugh Quotes recently posted…McDonald’s has Free WiFi (AtoZ Travel Tips)My Profile

  3. I never used to swear when growing up in Germany, but since coming to Ireland I swear like an old sailor. But “Feck” seems to be appropriated.

    But it is scientifically proven that cursing can help with pain and stress management – if science says so let’s do it!
    Poke The Rock recently posted…M for misunderstood and misheardMy Profile

  4. jen daniels says:

    I thank you even though I almost choked on a cheerio & shot chocolate milk out of my nose!

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