O is for Oh my god, it’s going to suck out my bones!

Easter Sunday I started coming down with this lung thing that I’ve been complaining about for the past three weeks – I’ve been out of it y’all.   Since I’m feeling better (I may even leave the house today), I thought I’d do some detective work to see how this whole thing started.  Here’s what I found…

During the morning (when I say morning, I mean sometime after 11) of Easter Eve, I went down to the lake to help my husband clean out this old yellow boat the nephews use to fish when they visit.

Don't be fooled!

It looks all pretty.  Don’t be fooled!

It was full of rainwater and leaves.  With my husband running the shop vac safely on land, I climbed into the boat and started scooping out wet, slimy, nasty leaves.   I go to reach into the corner of the boat and find this guy staring at me.

Hey, what up?  Get me out of here!

Hey, what up? Get me out of here!

I don’t know how long he was stuck there, but he seemed happy to see me and wanted my help.  I, however, did not want to touch him.  Have y’all seen that movie where the giant turtle jumps out of a tree and sucks the bones out of people?  No?   Well, I have and even after umpteen years, it still freaks me out.

I'm hungry for some bones!

I’m hungry for some bones!

I was just waiting for him to Go Go Gadget his neck out and bite my arm off.  After what seemed like 8 hours (probably 5 minutes), I gathered up enough nerve to attempt the sea rescue.  Here’s a video (there may be inappropriate language not acceptable in most workplace environments or any other public location for that matter) – this is my very first YouTube video, so my apologies.

I’m a hero!  I almost had a full on nervous breakdown.  Notice how my husband is giving me ridiculous advice, “Take him just from the back on the shell.”  Thank you, Volker, for stating the obvious, also that sounds kind of dirty.  In case you skipped the video, it is in no way turtle porn.  I’m not even sure what turtle porn is but you won’t find it here.  Seriously, if you’re looking for some kind of deviant turtle behavior, move along.

The video cuts off before you hear my husband laughing his ass off and acting like he would have totally grabbed the turtle and put him in the water without freaking out.  Incorrect!  He would have screamed like a little girl.  Actually, when I was a little girl, this would have been a cool adventure and I would have a new turtle pet.

Or not, I just remembered that when I was around five, I was at my grandparents farm and I found a turtle shell.  I brought my new found treasure back to grandma’s house.  That night I woke up screaming and crying.  I had dreamt that the turtle was searching for his house and was going to find me and do whatever terrible thing that the mind of a five year old can muster up (probably suck out my bones).  The turtle was super pissed.  The next day, Grandpa Haupt and I took the shell back to where I had found it and asked the turtle gods to please forgive me for disturbing the turtle’s home.   Wow, I have a long history of crazy turtle shit, y’all.

Back to Easter – twelve hours after my brave sea rescue – lung infection.  This ungrateful turtle is the cause of all my woes.  Or my husband, because, frankly, why was he on land holding a camera the whole time while I risked my life and limb saving Mr. Bonesucker II?

And since…no calls, no letters, nothing.  Mr. B must have been a teenager.


American German – language lesson #43

Der Schildkrötenpanzer ist leer. (dare shild-crow-ten-pan-zer ist leer)  The turtle shell is empty.  I just wanted to work the German word for turtle shell into the lesson.  It’s almost the whole alphabet.


  1. That is quite the turtle tale.

  2. hahaha that poor turtle, he is probably out there wondering why you are not coming back to the lake meeting up with him…or because turtles are slow it was like totally 3 minutes ago for him and he will be back in 4 months
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    • julieyoujest says:

      I hope he comes back to visit, although, he was probably scarred by the whole experience and will never come near my house again!

  3. This is hilarious! 🙂
    I would have sold the boat and never swam in that body of water. Ever. Again. One time, I kicked a turtle by an accident when I was swimming, and now I have PTSD about turtles. I would never survive that movie…

    -Fellow A to Z-er

    • julieyoujest says:

      I don’t think I’ll be able to sit in that boat again. I’m glad none of the nephews were here – they would have chased me around the yard with the turtle.

      If I kicked a turtle when swimming – I’d never swim again. That freaks me out just thinking about it!

  4. I now “know” a real life hero! Such an honor!
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  5. That was brave of you to pick up that turtle, I’ve always been told they can bite your finger clean off. Of course my mom probably told me that to keep me from dragging home turtles.
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    • julieyoujest says:

      I agree! I think I showed great bravery – then I had a heart attack! And I think your mom was right, a turtle can bite off a finger or something horrible. I think they’re aliens.

  6. Hope I look younger:)
    We go swimming off a floating restaurant where there’s always turtles swimming with us, they are about 10 times bigger, I will not be able to do that now without thinking ‘bone sucker’, lol, why am I laughing.

    • julieyoujest says:

      You totally look younger! I don’t want to swim with the sharks or the turtles. I’m laughing too and I have no idea why!

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