Surprisingly, I did not get arrested at the grocery store.

Let’s pretend that I posted this yesterday.  Day one of The ABC’s of Swearing!  Yay!  “A” profanity day.

I overdid it a bit yesterday.  First I needed a frame for the painting I bought from Karrie Evenson.

I just fell in love with this.

I just fell in love with this.

“With Love” from her Vivian Red series.  I can’t stop staring at it.

That was enough activity for me for one day but my dad and step-mom were coming for dinner (American Idol night – it’s a tradition.  Stop mocking me.) so I needed to do some more shopping.

I pulled up to mega-giant-mart tired and achy and grumpy.  It was packed with people and pallets.  I think they were in the process of unloading a truck.  It was like shopping in a labyrinth.  Not the fun kind.

I start at the back because that’s where they keep the heavy stuff and that shit should go into your cart first.  Milk was on the list – they were out of the kind I wanted so I substituted for a slightly more expensive one.  Ok.  No biggie.  Next was cheese and again, they were out and I substituted.  It was FINE, really.

The rest of my items were problem free.  I was in produce, almost finished, when some bananas called out to me, “This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.”   So I said, “I’m going to take you home and stab you repeatedly with a knife.”  I had no choice but to add banana pudding to the menu.  I needed bananas, Nilla wafers, whipping cream and pudding.   Did you know that banana pudding ingredients are spread out over the four corners of the Earth?  They are.

Off I went, only, now I’m beyond tired, achy, and grumpy and have stepped over to full on bitchtacular mode – meaning I became seriously passive aggressive, yelled at the air and might have frightened a few people.

Me:  Holy shit, why are you hiding the cookie aisle?

Unsuspecting shopper:  Are you talking to me?

Me:  Sorry.  I’m talking to whoever hid the cookie aisle.  Was that you?

Me mumbling under my breath:  Why don’t y’all just hold hands and form a line blocking every aisle in the damn store?  Oh, sorry, you’re already doing that.  Great job, by the way.  Spectacular execution.  You’ve made it impossible for anyone to buy crackers.  Is this some kind of statement against carbs?  Yes, as a matter of fact, you are in my way.

Everyone kept shop-blocking me.  I’m sure they were doing it on purpose.

I found the Nilla wafers and set out in search of pudding.  On the baking aisle – nope.  With the marshmallows – nope.  How about next to the green beans?  NOPE.  WTF!?  I was grumbling profanities under my breath that would make George Carlin blush.  So I did what any normal human would do at this point – standing in the middle of aisle 6, I said (a bit louder than I intended), “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PUDDING?”   This very nice clerk appeared beside me and said, “Ummm, it’s right here.”  And so it was.  I was standing in front of the pudding.  I smiled and said, “Thanks!”  See?  I can be nice.  He was the only one on that aisle, so I’m sure no one else heard me because sound doesn’t tend to travel far in those stores unless it’s a screaming toddler.

All I had to do is grab some cream and I’d be home free (except for that pesky checkout thing).  There it was.  Angels were singing.  I put it in my cart and exclaimed, “WooHoo!  I’m done!” and every mom within earshot laughed out loud.  They weren’t around for my outburst on aisle 6.

I got to the checkout – No line.  Awesome.  I loaded up the car, sunk into the driver’s seat and realized that I hadn’t picked up any bananas.

Oh!  Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole.

I started this shopping asstastrophe grumpy, then I got bitchy, then my head exploded.  I went back in and got the fucking bananas.

I took so much joy from chopping the shit out of them.

Not nearly enough bananas died during the making of this pudding.

Not nearly enough bananas died during the making of this pudding.

 

American German – language lesson #55

Das mein Scheiß.  (das mine shice)  This my shit.  It doesn’t make sense in German, English or the Hollaback song.  If I’m forced to listen to it, I change the words a little anyway.  “Ooh ooh.  This is shit.  This is shit.”  Nothing against Gwen.  I’m sure she’s a lovely person.  She’s probably never yelled ‘Fuck’ in a grocery store.

 

Comments

  1. I fucking love that you punished the bananas for singing that awful song.
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 recently posted…My Son Calls Me By My First NameMy Profile

  2. Note to self: Do not smoke whilst reading Julie’s posts, because when smoke hits the back of the throat, that shit HURTS!!
    “some bananas called out to me, “This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S,” almost made me cough up a lung. 🙂
    Lily recently posted…A-Z Challenge – Z is for Zero Seconds To Countdown.My Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      Hahaha! It freaked me out a little.

      • julieyoujest says:

        It just occurred to me that while your comments always make me laugh, I shouldn’t have laughed at you coughing up a lung. What is wrong with me?!

        How about this: I’m glad you thought it was funny but I’m sorry about your lung and I hope that it has settled back down to where it’s supposed to be.

  3. I don’t know German, but I know a little Yiddish. When I curse out loud in the grocery store, it’s usually “Gai kakhen afenyam”.

    • julieyoujest says:

      That’s a good idea! I have a go to German phrase I usually bring out for just such an occasion. Fick die Henne! It skipped my mind.

  4. What jerks! This is why I have to go up and down EVERY SINGLE AISLE in the store EVERY TIME.
    Kate recently posted…If I became a parent today…My Profile

  5. If you were me you’d have gotten all the way home and commenced making dinner before you realized you’d forgotten the damn bananas. Also, if this had happened in West Virginia, you’d have had a friendly chat with 17 people along the way.
    Marjorie McAtee recently posted…Imma Become a Freaking HoarderMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      I got lucky! I don’t know how many times I’ve braved the store for one item, left with a cart full, and got home without the one thing I needed in the first place. UGH!

  6. I unfortunately end up at Wal Mart on Saturday nights pretty frequently. I mean, they’re always loading the shelves at night (when I prefer to shop so I don’t have to deal with people) but Saturday is a big ‘un. And nearly every time, it’s pretty much what you just experienced. I’m surprised I haven’t knifed anybody yet.

    Mmmm, Banana Puddin’
    Jen recently posted…Two Dobermans need a home in or near Brooklyn NY: Justice and JoolMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      When I was much younger, I’d shop the big stores at 2am just to avoid crowds. I get all claustrophobic crammed in there with so many people who can’t operate a shopping cart to save their lives. It’s enough to drive a person batty.

      I hadn’t eaten banana pudding in ages. It was good!

  7. oh don’t you just hate it when they rearrange the stupid store? every few weeks or so…why oh Tesco why? OK I know why but stop it…

    That banana pudding looks lovely tho 🙂
    Poke The Rock recently posted…Day 3: Bear on a tricycleMy Profile

    • julieyoujest says:

      Yes! As soon as I’ve figured out where everything is – they move it. Why!?!

      Thanks! It was delicious!

  8. I laughed the entire time I read this. Entire. Time. When I go shopping, I talk out loud while I shop. To myself, the list, the products. I mumble, curse, and yell. So, it’s nice to find a Kindred Spirit. I totally might have just fallen in love with you. (In a creepy way of course)
    The Insomniac’s Dream recently posted…Another One!?My Profile

  9. I have now commented five times on three different blog posts of yours and my comments don’t show up.

    *Testing*
    The Insomniac’s Dream recently posted…Help! I’m Raising HoardersMy Profile

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