I went to a follow up appointment with my doctor today to make sure this kidney issue is clearing up. My doctor said, “There’s blood in your urine but not an alarming amount.” Ummm. What!? I didn’t go to med school but I read my share of Judy Blume and I’m pretty sure that blood isn’t supposed to come out of your pee hole. Ever. Color me alarmed.
This got me thinking about stupid things that doctors have said to me. Here we go…
First gyno visit
Old creepy man doctor: (abruptly enters room) You have a grapefruit size cyst on your ovary. The nurse is going to give you a shot to make it rupture. (immediately exits room – WTF?!)
What I was thinking: Like hell she is. There will be no explosions happening in my lady parts. (I was young and unaware of how fun explosive lady parts could be. Other lady parts. Not ovaries. Things exploding on your ovary are not at all enjoyable.)
What I said: Oh. Ok
First (and only) baby delivery
Really cute doctor that looked like Tom Selleck circa Magnum, PI: You’re in labor. You might feel some discomfort.
What I was thinking: Really, Groucho? Discomfort is how you describe riding in a car for too long, not pulling a bowling ball out of your ass.
What I said: Given your profession, the word discomfort should be removed from your vocabulary. (Then I kicked him in the face but I really didn’t mean to – just very unfortunate timing.)
First migraine and first trip to Bates Hospital
Really. Bates. It looked a lot like the hotel and the ER dividers were curtains that the doctors flung open like they were reenacting the shower scene.
Not at all like George Clooney but eerily similar to Anthony Perkins ER doctor: I always hate it when people come into the ER with a headache. You can never tell what it is. Could be an aneurism. Could be a tumor. You just don’t know.
I wasn’t thinking anything because my head was in a vise-grip. Correction, I was thinking I should get the hell out of there. Instead, I just laid there like an idiot waiting to be hacked to death. The doctor just walked away. I never saw him again. I’m still waiting. (I honestly don’t remember what happened after he left. Holy crap, I’m lucky to be alive.)
Walking around a hospital topless
Yes, I walked around topless in a German hospital. The fact that I had no idea what the doctor said was the problem. Apparently it wasn’t, “Take off your top and walk bare-chested around the hospital.” Mind you, the Germans all sit in the sauna naked – men, women, children – so it wasn’t much of a stretch to think that walking to and from x-ray sans clothing was totally normal. Later, I was sharing this anecdote with friends, “It was crazy, I didn’t get a robe or anything and I had to walk all over that place.“ My husband overheard this and said, “That’s not supposed to happen.” Mother-in-law chimed in, “Never.” Oops. For future reference, when going to the hospital in a foreign country, it’s a good idea to have a translator.
Anyone else have crazy doctor stories?
American German – language lesson #18
Ich brauche ein Kleid, bitte. (ick brock-a ine klide bit-ta) I need a robe, please. I’m just trying to save y’all some embarrassment.